Take American Pie and edit out all of the humor and originality and you're left with American Pie 2, a lame remake that dumps a shitload of unfunny material on the unsuspecting public. In fact, Pie 2 is more of a marketing plan than an actual film-a cynical, manipulative and successful attempt to rake in more cash off the first Pie's success. Lame is too good a word to describe this TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT. I could tell that this movie was bound to totally suck from the abysmally contrived opening scene. It's the last day of the semester. Everyone's going home for the summer. Jim's parents arrive a little early to pick him up. Although Jim has not had any luck with any chicks during the entire year, for some reason on this particular afternoon he's managed to coax some sexy coed into bed with him. Remember, it's the middle of the afternoon on the last day of school and everyone's leaving for the summer. Of course, Jim's parents and the chick's parents show up about the same time at Jim's dorm room (which is opened by a kindly resident advisor) and find them in bed together. Fuckin' original, don't you agree? The plot (such as it is) concerns the same brain-dead geeks from the original, although they've just finished one year of college and are renting a beach house for the summer. Jim (Jason Biggs) is the boring lead character, who is trying to get some sexual experience before Nadia (Shannon Elizabeth), the foreign-exchange student, comes to visit him at the end of the summer. Jim, who reminds me a lot of Benjamin from The Graduate if Benjamin had a prefrontal lobotomy, spends a lot of time trying to get advice from the first (and only) chick he ever banged, the band camp nympho, Michelle, who admits to doing some very kinky things with her flute. Eugene Levy returns as Jim's meddling dad (humorous in the original; just annoying here). Then there's Oz (Chris Klein), who keeps trying to have some decent phone sex with his girlfriend, Heather (Mena Suvari), but, alas, he gets rudely interrupted at every attempt. Stifler (Sean William Scott), a third-rate Jim Carrey clone, tries to score with any woman with a heartbeat. Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) pines after Stifler's mom. The "Sherminator" makes it with the foreign-exchange student ... you get the idea. Here's a brief list of some of the rest of the "hilarious" material in Pie 2: Stifler gets pissed on during a keg party. He thinks he's getting sprayed with champagne. Jim superglues his hand to his pecker while jerking off to a porno flick titled Pussy Patrol. Two "lesbians" make the horny geeks get intimate with each other because they hope to see the two chicks go at it with a vibrator. The sexual exploits are broadcast all over town via CB radio! (For the record, this is the one and only time you'll actually see a fleeting glimpse of breasts in the entire flick.) The gang decides to have an end-of-summer bash, complete with kegs, music and dancing. There's a lot of obligatory beer drinking, music and dancing. Frankly, I'd rather watch Nerds in Paradise one more time than sit through Pie 2 again. At least that film had one interesting character - yes I'm talking about none other than Booger (Curtis Armstrong), who learns how to be more disgusting from his mentor Snotty (actor unknown). If you're really desperate for a good "horny teen" flick, I strongly suggest Hardbodies , which also takes place at a beach house but actually offers a few decent laughs, better looking women and more nudity.
Thirty years after stunning Hollywood and capturing the Best Picture Oscar for Rocky, Sylvester Stallone attempted another comeback with Rocky Balboa, adding to the seemingly endless string of crappy Rocky sequels that feature the same dull, contrived formula of comeback, training and victory (except now Rocky should be a candidate for a nursing home—or at least assisted living!). I like to remember Rocky as it once was before Mr. T, Brigitte Nielsen and Tommy "Machine" Gunn invaded the scene and reduced the whole concept to nothing more than an A-Team type cartoon. Therefore, here's a toast to the rousing training scene from the original classic . . . "Gonna Fly Now . . ."
If you’re in the mood for a really (and I mean really!) dumb and raunchy comedy along the lines of Dumb and Dumber or Kingpin, then I wholeheartedly recommend Saving Silverman. In fact, this is perhaps one of the dumbest movies I’ve ever seen and I’ve sat through a ton of dumb movies in my time. I seriously believe that my IQ dropped a couple of points while viewing this thing. However, sometimes a totally brainless comedy is in order and Saving Silverman delivers. Shit, this flick makes There’s Something About Mary seem like Masterpiece Theatre in comparison. Saving Silverman depicts the plight of two total dipshits, Wayne Lefessier (Steve Zahn) and J.D. McNugent (Jack Black), who will go to any length in order to stop their best buddy, Darren Silverman (Jason Biggs), from marrying THE QUEEN OF ALL BITCHES, Judith Fessbeggler (Amanda Peet). You see, Judith’s arrival is a threat to the future of these losers’ Neil Diamond cover band, "Diamonds in the Rough." Yes, believe it or not, all three of these fuckwads idolize none other than insipid lounge lizard Neil Diamond! So Wayne and J.D. end up kidnapping Judith and what’s left of the paper-thin plot goes downhill from there. But who the hell really cares? R. Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) provides some inspired casting as the psychotic, sadistic Coach Norton (this dude actually takes a shit on the lawn in one scene!). I have no idea why Ermey’s character is in this movie but he manages to effortlessly steal the show nonetheless. Neil Diamond appears as himself.
Few people actually realize that South Carolina played a major role in the American Revolution. In fact, some of the major battles that took place here toward the end of the war turned the tide against the British, forcing them to surrender at Yorktown, Virginia. However, even though The Patriot was filmed in South Carolina, the history aspect is almost immediately thrown out. In fact, if you know nothing about Revolutionary War history, you won't even know what the fuck is going on! What we are left with is a typical revenge plot—a weird mix of Braveheart and Death Wish II. Mel Gibson stars as "Benjamin Martin," a reluctant patriot who is forced into battle after a sadistic colonel (Jason Isaacs) brutally murders his son and takes his other son captive for no apparent reason. Film was based on the life of Francis "Swamp Fox" Marion. However, it seems the real Marion actually committed a few atrocities himself in the French and Indian Wars, so we're given a fictional composite. All the British are naturally portrayed as cruel and sadistic. The Americans are all honorable, of course. In fact, I kept thinking that Gary Busey was going to show up in British uniform as "Mr. Joshua." The film includes some of the old ultra-violence that one has come to expect from a Mel Gibson revenge flick. It's also riddled with cliches. Most of the battle scenes are well done. If you're fascinated by the image of a soldier getting decapitated by a cannonball, this film is for you!
Based on a novel by Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard, Battlefield Earth starred John Travolta and achieved the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Picture, beating out such notable entries as Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Little Nicky and The Next Best Thing. Jon Stewart on The Daily Show described the film as "a cross between Star Wars and the smell of ass."
"The movie is a chaotic mess, overloaded with special effects and explosions, light on continuity, sanity, and coherence . . . Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is an ungainly mess, submerged in mayhem, occasionally surfacing for cliches." —Roger Ebert
Bill Chinaski: "I just watched Attack of the Clones the other night on TV and it was as bad if not worse than i had remembered it. Looking forward to seeing [Revenge of the Sith], however i really think they should unearth what's left of the original cast (Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, etc.) and make three more flicks, the final trilogy after Return of the Jedi. That would be really something!"
Jim Foley: "Funny you should mention that piece of garbage (Episode II). George Lucas is infamous for going back and reworking the original trilogy to add scenes and effects. I say he should rework Episodes I and II by cutting 75% of the scenes and replacing them with anything else. I would rather see Yoda take a dump than that contrived, stretched-out courtship between Anakin and Padme."
America's favorite cannibal, Hannibal Lecter, escapes to Florence, Italy. Meanwhile, Agent Starling sits in a FBI basement sifting through files in her futile attempt to capture the demented serial killer. A twisted, grotesque former patient of Lecter, Mason Verger, plots his own revenge against Lecter, drawing him back to the States for a confrontation that ranks up there with Blood Feast. Hannibal must be America's dumbest cannibal! Here's a guy on the FBI's 10 most-wanted list, one of the most notorious criminals in the history of the United States and yet he roams freely around Europe without a disguise. He even takes a job as a high-profile art historian in Florence, for godsakes! Hiding? This guy was hanging out in sidewalk cafes sipping tea with a big white floppy hat? Here are a bunch of FBI agents sweating it out in basements analyzing cheap cologne when they could have gone over to Europe, flashed this guy's photo around for about a week and arrested him. It's true that they seemed to introduce a handful of characters— a greedy Italian detective, an obnoxious FBI agent and a grotesque sex offender—just so Hannibal would have somebody to torture and kill. Hannibal comes away looking like a superhero next to these morons! His life never seems in any danger. Look how easy it was for him to escape the attack of the wild boars. This guy's untouchable. The whole character of Hannibal has become a total dead end. He's turned into The Silver Surfer or something. If he's never vulnerable at all, who gives a flying fuck about him or anyone else in the movie? Julianne Moore as "Agent Clarice Starling" bored the shit out of me. She conveyed no emotion whatsoever. It was like her jaw was wired shut or something. For most of the flick, this "highly decorated agent" sits in a basement. She's got no friends to speak of and the other agents treat her like garbage. One fellow agent tries to hit on her using the phrase "cornpone pussy." I thought Gary Oldman was rather effective as Mason Verger, the disfigured and wealthy sex offender who vows to hunt Lector down and feed him to a herd of wild boars. Verger looked like a cross between 'The English Patient' and Jim Carrey's 'Fire Marshal Bill' character. This guy's worth about a billion dollars and yet he hires four bumbling amateurs to kidnap Lector and drive to his estate in a cheap van. Don't you think he would have paid out a little cash to hire some trained assassins? Didn't this guy know who he was up against? Wasn't Hannibal the guy who once convinced him to cut off his own face and feed it to the dogs? Judging by Verger's estate, he must be worth a couple 100 million dollars. Did you know that the mansion scenes were shot at the Biltmore Estate in Asheville? With 250 rooms, it's the largest private residence in the United States! Notice how Clarice has no trouble driving all the way through the grounds up to the foot of the estate—couldn't Verger afford to hire some security and cameras and shit? Try driving through the grounds of Biltmore Estate after hours and see how far you get before security pulls a Rodney King on your ass! Do you believe that Ridley Scott directed this shit? He ought to stick with sci-fi. I thought both Alien and Blade Runner were classics. In fact, I think that the baby alien bursting out of John Hurt's stomach was grosser than the Ray Liotta brain-eating scene!
Think a comedy that features the talents of Jack Black and Ben Stiller about a dog shit-removal product called Va-poo-rizer is a safe bet for a DVD rental? Don't say I didn't warn you! Envy is simply a steaming pile of dog shit. In fact, I don't know how this flick was even financed. Maybe some junior executive at Dreamworks had a sudden revelation: "Let's get Ben Stiller and Jack Black together and make a comedy about dog shit!" Here's the so-called plot in a nutshell: Two total losers, Tim Dingman (Stiller) and Nick Vanderpark (Black), who work in a sandpaper-making factory, dream of coming up with an idea that will make them rich. Vanderpark comes up with "Va-poo-rizer," a miracle spray that makes dog shit disappear. The guy makes a fortune with this product through the world of infomercials and decides to build a gaudy mansion in the same neighborhood across the street from the envious Dingman. One night, Dingman gets drunk and accidentally shoots an arrow into Vanderpark's white steed, killing it instantly. Dingman and a bum named J-Man (Walken) dispose of the horse (a scene that compares unfavorably to Animal House). J-Man blackmails Dingman, who later accidentally shoots J-Man with an arrow. You get the idea . . . Incredibly, Envy was actually directed by Barry Levinson, the once-talented director who gave us great comedies such as Diner and Tin Men. I hope to hell that Envy went straight to video so some poor asshole didn't have to shell out good money to see this crap. According to the Internet Movie Database, Black and Dreamworks' Jeffrey Katzenberg both apologized for Envy at a press conference during the 2004 Cannes Film Festival. That apology should be displayed prominently as a disclaimer on each and every Envy video box as a public service. Bottom line: I would rather step in a steaming pile of freshly shat dog excrement than sit through this film again.
If your idea of comedy is watching some kid jerk off into a loaf of bread in a supermarket restroom while a security guard watches the action on a video camera, this film is for you. For the rest of us, I would suggest you avoid this piece-of-shit teen comedy like the plague. I picked this flick up for one dollar at a video store that was going out of business. One of the worst purchases of my life . . . In fact, I've had it listed on eBay for the past four years with no takers yet!