99 Classic Urban Legends
by Alternative Reel Staff
Are you sick and tired of getting lame E-mail chain letters from your so-called "friends" that claim big prizes (like a trip to Disney World) if you just send the message to about 1,000 other people? Are you annoyed by fellow employees who spread ridiculous rumors at the water cooler every Monday morning?
A friend at work once tried to inform me of a gang initiation rite that involved naļve drivers flashing their headlights at cars and getting their heads blown off. I asked, "don't you think we would have read about this shocking incident in the local newspaper if it were true? Don't you believe it would be all over the 6 o'clock news?" This dimwit just shook her head, "well I heard it from my cousin who heard it from her best friend. It must be true." So I had to break it to her. "You've just been taken in by an urban legend, you stupid f__kin' idiot!"
Therefore, as a public service, I have spent hours scouring the Internet, as well as reading numerous newspaper articles and books on these annoying tidbits that keep cropping up courtesy of our more gullible acquaintances. To my knowledge, none of the following "facts" has a grain of truth. Believe whatever you want, but don't feed me any more of your bullshit - I might just have to kick your ass...
- After a one-night stand, a guy passed out in a New Orleans hotel and woke up in a bathtub full of ice - missing one of his kidneys.
- A munchkin who committed suicide on the set of The Wizard of Oz [1939] can be viewed hanging from a tree during the forest scene when Dorothy and the Scarecrow discover the Tin Man.
- A woman tested HIV-positive after she put her finger in a pay telephone coin slot and got jabbed with a needle.
- The ghost of a little boy appears in the background of a scene in the movie Three Men and a Baby [1987].
- Clothes designer Tommy Hilfiger made a racist remark on Oprah Winfrey and was kicked off the show.
- During a 1996 interview, singer Mariah Carey was quoted as saying, "When I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- The kid who played obnoxious Eddie Haskell on Leave It To Beaver became a porno star who died of AIDS in the 1980s.
- Jim Nabors and Rock Hudson were married during a secret ceremony in the 1960s.
- The Florida Marlins' stunning victory in the 1997 World Series was predicted in the film Back to the Future II [1989].
- Frank Zappa was the son of Mr. Greenjeans of the Captain Kangaroo show.
- The cast of Green Acres roasted up the beloved pig, Arnold Ziffel, during a cookout celebrating the series' final episode.
- Soap opera star Susan Lucci is actually Phyllis Diller's daughter.
- During the 1993 Academy Awards ceremony, Oscar presenter Jack Palance mistakenly called out Marisa Tomei's name for Best Supporting Actress in My Cousin Vinny instead of the actual winner, Vanessa Redgrave.
- The kid who played "Mikey" in those Life cereal commercials died after his stomach exploded from a mixture of Pop Rocks and soda.
- A couple's honeymoon video somehow ended up as the main feature on the movie channel of sleazy hotels throughout the country.
- The use of antiperspirants causes breast cancer.
- Walt Disney lies cryogenically frozen in a chamber buried beneath Disney World's Magic Kingdom.
- Microsoft mogul Bill Gates is actually Satan himself. [Editor's note: The only way to confirm this rumor is to shave his head and search for the mark of the beast, 666.]
- A depressed college student committed suicide during an exam by placing two pencils in his nose and slamming his face against the desk.
- Golfer Arnold Palmer's wife told Johnny Carson that she kisses her husband's balls for good luck before each and every tournament.
- A visitor accidentally squashed his friend's pet Chihuahua after sitting down on the couch; he attempted to hide the dead dog in a golf bag. [Editor's note: See variation of this incident in There's Something About Mary, as well as an episode of The Sopranos involving a drugged-out Christopher Moltisanti.]
- During the first wedding scene in Disney's The Little Mermaid, the minister sports a woody.
- Charles Manson once auditioned to be one of The Monkees but was beat out by Michael Nesmith for the role.
- If your college roommate commits suicide, you receive straight A's for that semester.
- Doctors removed a gerbil from Richard Gere's rectum during emergency surgery.
- A watermelon seed took root in a boy's esophagus and grew into a vine that eventually suffocated him.
- A tooth left in a glass of Coca-Cola overnight will dissolve.
- A group of college students dropped acid at the beach and stared at the sun until they all went totally blind.
- A tornado touched down at a drive-in movie theater in Canada that just happened to be playing the hit film Twister.
- Catherine the Great was crushed to death while attempting to have sex with a horse.
- The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) scripted the LA riots as a training exercise.
- The kid who played Kevin's best friend Paul on The Wonder Years grew up to be none other than shock rocker Marilyn Manson.
- LBJ jumped out of his car and took a shot at JFK on that fateful day in Dallas, November 22, 1963.
- During a family vacation, the grandmother passed away and was strapped to the luggage rack of a car that was later stolen at a rest stop and never recovered. [Editor's note: See what happens to Aunt Edna in National's Lampoon's Vacation.]
- An entire family was wiped out by a speeding truck after they unwisely decided to picnic on a "runaway-truck escape lane" located on a steep mountainside.
- Chinese restaurants use cat meat when making chop suey.
- Before she was famous, Barbra Streisand starred in a cheaply made hardcore porno flick.
- The Apollo flights to the moon were actually faked by NASA in a Nevada soundstage.
- "I was recently on a tour of Latin America and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." —Dan Quayle
- Singer John Denver (John Henry Deutchendorff) was a sniper in Vietnam.
- An old lady placed her wet cat in a microwave to dry, exploding the poor feline.
- Frank Sinatra once ate ham and eggs from the chest of a prostitute. [Editor's note: Actually this rumor may be true - if you believe Kitty Kelley's sleazy bio of Ol' Blue Eyes.]
- A Mafia hitman who entered the FBI's Witness Protection Program was startled to discover a fundraising letter from his alma mater in his mailbox.
- Bill Cosby bought the rights to all the copies of the Little Rascals series so they would never be broadcast again.
- After a one-night stand, a guy found this message scrawled in lipstick on his bathroom mirror: "Welcome to the World of AIDs."
- The Peace Corps is actually a front for the CIA. [Editor's note: However, quite a bit of evidence reveals that CIA operatives have entered Third-World countries using Corps credentials.]
- Wendy's founder Dave Thomas was a National Guardsman at Kent State in 1970 when four students were gunned down.
- An actress in Goldfinger suffocated to death from the application of gold paint.
- A guy ran off with his secretary and his abandoned wife sold his Porsche for $50.
- Gene Siskel's Last Will and Testament requested him to be buried with his thumb pointing up.
- A girl unwittingly given Spanish Fly impaled herself on her car's stickshift.
- The Earth's water supply originated from dinosaur piss.
- Phil Collins' song "In the Air Tonight" concerns a man who witnessed a drowning but didn't lift a finger to help; Phil himself later saw the same man in distress and let him die.
- A nuclear warhead is hidden in Disney World's Magic Kingdom.
- Viet Cong captors routinely engaged American POWs in games of Russian roulette. [Editor's note: See The Deer Hunter.]
- After a hunter hit a deer with his car and threw it in his back seat, the deer awoke and trashed the entire car. [Editor's note: See variation on the theme in Tommy Boy with Chris Farley.]
- Reclusive authors J.D. Salinger and Thomas Pyncheon are actually the same person.
- Hertz, Avis, Budget and National car rental agencies all refuse to rent vehicles to Senator Ted Kennedy.
- "I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me." —Monica Lewinsky on "The Larry King Show"
- Green M&M's make you horny.
- Sadistic ankle-slashing thieves lurk under women's cars at shopping malls throughout the Midwest.
- Zachary Taylor, 12th president of the United States, was a victim of arsenic poisoning, possibly from Vice President Millard Fillmore.
- The moon is already inhabited as a "flying saucer" base.
- One of the ingredients of Mexican beer, especially Corona, is piss. [Editor's note: Just add lime!]
- Rapper Tupac Shakur wasn't really murdered; he's writing poetry in Washington D.C. near Howard University.
- All of the top executives of Procter & Gamble are Satanists.
- Jim Morrison was actually a U.S. government agent sent undercover to monitor leading members of the late 1960's drug culture.
- "A cultist is one who has a strong belief in the Bible and the Second Coming of Christ." —Attorney General Janet Reno, "60 Minutes" interview
- A guy died of a heart attack in his living room while his wife frantically tried to call 911 - it turns out she couldn't find the 11 on the phone dial.
- Timothy Leary served as Charles Manson's drug connection.
- Bogart said "Play it again, Sam" in the classic film Casablanca.
- A car thief who stole a Porsche from Candlestick Park during the 1989 World Series was crushed along with the car during the earthquake that collapsed the I-880 freeway.
- A World War II bomber was discovered on the moon by the crew of Apollo XVI.
- The movie Fargo was based on a true story.
- A flying saucer crashed in the New Mexican desert on July 2, 1947.
- A stuntman was killed during filming of the chariot race scene in Ben Hur (1959).
- JFK is alive and well and living in a Polish convalescence center.
- Nike gave free sneakers to the 39 Heaven's Gate cultists who later committed suicide. [Editor's note: Nike may have wanted to publicize their "Just Do It" advertising campaign.]
- Karol Josef Waityla (Pope John II) served as a salesman for a chemical company in the early 1940s and sold cyanide gas to the Nazis.
- Peter, Paul & Mary's song "Puff the Magic Dragon" is about getting stoned on some killer weed.
- Elvis was actually on a mission from God - sent to this planet to lead the faithful into an "enlightened age" of peace and understanding.
- Pink Floyd's album "Dark Side of the Moon" is synchronized to The Wizard of Oz.
- A "bat boy" was discovered in a West Virginia cave.
- A woman contracted AIDs by sitting on an infected needle in a movie theater.
- CIA operatives carried out the Jonestown Massacre as a training exercise.
- A trigger-happy Secret Service agent in the follow-up car of JFK's motorcade stood up after hearing shots and accidentally fired his automatic rifle, shooting the president in the back of the head.
- Frank Sinatra was the original "gangsta rapper."
Sources for further information:
- The Baby Train & Other Lusty Urban Legends, Jan Brunvand, W.W. Norton & Company, 1993
- The Big Book of Urban Legends, Paradox Press, 1994
- The Choking Doberman, Jan Brunvand, W.W. Norton & Company, 1984
- Urban Legends, Richard Roeper, Career Press, 1999
- The Vanishing Hitchhiker, Jan Brunvand, W.W. Norton & Company, 1981
- Weekly World News, "Unexplained Mysteries," July 6, 1999
