Top 10 Bill Hicks Jokes
"Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired, go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators, watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it, watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America—you are free to do as we tell you! You are free to do as we tell you!"
"Selling Doritos on TV? What a fuckin' whore. And not even when he needed the money either, you know? If you're a young actor, I'll look the other way, but the guy makes $3 million a year, he decides to hock Doritos to make more money. You don't got enough money you fucking whore? You've got to sell snacks to bovine America now? It's Satan fucking him in the ass on national TV man . . . fuck . . ."
"Ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? . . . Their eyes real close together. Eyebrow ridges. Big, furry hands and feet. 'I believe God created me in one day.' Looks like he rushed it.'"
"They lie about marijuana: 'Marijuana makes you unmotivated.' Lie. When you're high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it's not worth the fucking effort. There's a difference."
"I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust. Really. On my hands and knees, wishing it upon every one of you. That's how much I love TV. Think it's great. I watched "The Love Connection." That's gotta be the most depressing show I've ever seen in my life. Adult human beings on national television, groveling for dates. Have some self-respect: stay home and jerk off, man. Guys, buy a Hustler, toss off a load, go about your fucking day, all right? Have some dignity."
"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."
![On Drugs [Revised!] Image](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3201/2702875382_ebc4a9078f_o.jpg)
“If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CDs and burn them. Cause you know what? The musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years? Real fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fuckin' high they let Ringo sing a few songs."
"I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm . . . I dunno . . . I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress."
"I've been traveling a lot lately. I was over in Australia during Easter. It was interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do; commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. You know, I've read the Bible. I can't find the words 'bunny' or 'chocolate' anywhere in the fucking book. Where do you come up with this shit? Why those two things? Why not 'Goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer'? As long as we're making shit up, go hog wild. At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on its back crawling across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it!"
"Here's another idea that should be punctured, the idea that childbirth is a miracle. I don't know who started this rumor but it's not a miracle. No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your butt. It's a chemical reaction and a biological reaction. You want to know a miracle? A miracle is raising a kid that doesn't talk in a fucking movie theater . . . I'll go you one further, and this is the routine that has virtually ended my career in America. If you have children here tonight—and I assume some of you do—I am sorry to tell you this. They are not special. I'll let that sink in. Don't get me wrong, folks. I know you think they're special. You think that. I'm telling you—they're not. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? Did you know that? And you mean to tell me you think your child is special? Because one out of 200 million sperm connected . . . that load? Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I have wiped entire civilizations off of my chest, with a grey gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel. That is special. And I want you to think about that, you two-egg-carrying beings out there with that holier-than-thou, we-have-the-gift-of-life attitude. I have tossed universes, in my underpants, while napping. That is special."
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User Comments - Add a Comment
Jk - 2008-02-03 17:19:12
Great list! Gotta love mr. Hicks.
matt - 2008-02-08 15:33:05
kevin, why would it say that
sam - 2008-02-20 23:27:36
because that was the next part of the quote
David - 2008-03-04 00:16:45
Kevin says that because, like every other moron on this goddamn planet, he has to prove he knows something about something. It's not enough for Kevin to just enjoy what somebody else creates. He sits in the stench of his own failure knowing that he has never done a creative thing or written anything anybody would want to read, so he piggy-backs on other people's work by trying to one-up them in the comments sections on websites.
Q - 2008-03-13 08:06:49
actually, he was just completing the sentence and finishing the thought.
come back to this thread in a week and see how self-incriminating your above quote is.
Love,
Some Guy
CJS - 2008-03-22 02:00:52
David, shut up. Shut up, David. Your comment is a little too revealing. Is that how you feel about yourself?
Kevin - 2008-03-25 06:36:58
David. It's true. All true. I had spent so long trying compile my own top ten list, and this site beat me to it. I didn't even mention that some of the punctuation is inaccurate for fear that might be nit-picking. It is a great list. A very good list, BUT THEY STILL MISSED 1/2 THE QUOTE OMFG THAT IS OVER 40% IN THE METRIC SYSTEM!
RJM - 2008-04-16 08:23:02
Always loved that "Crosses" joke.
Damn, we need Bill Hicks today!!!!
TeeCee - 2008-05-31 17:44:34
Noooooonnnnnnneeeeee Smokers Die every day ;-)
Gigl - 2008-06-29 13:10:04
correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the 'what somebody creates' that David here is talking about actually an opinion about the creations of somebody else. This ain't no creation. It was a creation when Bill Hicks Created them. Now we're just rating. So nobody should take credit for choosing HIS/HER OWN favorite jokes.
Alex - 2008-07-02 20:58:54
looks like David got shut down,
Davids an asshole
Leisure Muffin - 2008-07-23 08:43:22
He was the best.
about David controversy:
you guys do understand that he performed many of these jokes multiple times slightly differently, right?
.lm.
Godless - 2008-07-23 20:41:28
On the band "tool"(S) CD it has the quote in audio the way dave quoted it .
The progressive rock band Tool invited Hicks to open a number of concerts for them on their 1993 Lollapalooza appearances, where Hicks once famously asked the audience to look for a contact lens he'd lost. Thousands of people complied.[4] Tool singer Maynard James Keenan so enjoyed this joke that he repeated it on a number of occasions. In 1996, Tool released their album Ænima which contains mentions of Hicks in the liner notes and on record. The track "Ænema" references Hicks's Arizona Bay philosophy and the closing track "Third Eye" contains samples from Hicks's Dangerous and Relentless albums. Experimental rock outfit Faith No More also quoted Bill Hicks in "Ricochet" from their King for a Day... Fool for a Lifetime album, singing "It's always funny until someone gets hurt and then it's just hilarious".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Hicks
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/5/50/Bill_Hicks%2C_%27Tool%27_album_cover_-_%27another_dead_hero%27.jpg
dew - 2008-07-29 16:07:23
If you cant recognise what eggs and bunnies have to do with a spring festival...
matt - 2008-08-04 17:18:41
wtf is wrong with waffle house? elitist prick.
Tyler - 2008-08-04 17:41:30
Hmmm...it amazes me that his "It's Just a Ride" joke isn't on here. That's like one of my favorites.
Bob - 2008-08-05 05:21:43
My personal favorite is still the one where he talks about non-smokers coughing in front of smokers, then going off and dancing in front of cripples, l.m.f.a.o.
Great list.
bonnie - 2008-08-05 10:28:41
Matt: i do believe you've proven Mr hicks point there dude
Chill - 2008-08-10 02:43:07
Many students go to waffle house to study late at night. Maybe you misunderstood her meaning of "What are you reading for?"
Anthony - 2008-08-12 13:07:10
Youre an asshole, no one likes you
virus with shoes - 2008-08-15 15:18:34
oooooh david..yes bill hicks cant be improved on yet my sweet no need to get all pre menstral on ole kevin there...theres enuff bitchin in the world...so lets all hold hands and prey to baby jesus then all have some sex..
yes we need bill here today...isnt it the truth that all the good guys die young...
hes better off without this shitty pathetic planet and we are worse off without bill....id fuck him anyway.....kisses to all the people who can get the fucking point...stay sane.............
Anonymous - 2008-08-16 10:56:35
even if the waitress were asking what he might be studying, she still asked it incorrectly (hence, ignorantly).
and it doesn't matter to anyone who's ever been asked, "Whatcha reading for?"
No one who's asked me that means, "What are you studying?"
Martin - 2008-08-29 05:21:07
Blimey, going to a live show must be a hoot with some of you depressing critics, bring a note book and test the validity of each joke. He was a very funny man that doesn't need each sentence he ever made to be deconstructed by some Internet gimps. Power to The Waffle house man, ffs! Get over yourselves.
Cuntanimate - 2008-12-12 20:46:36
All you people fighting over trivialities. Enjoy the post for what it is. The incessant need to post a reply to it is egotistically inane as it is. Worthless losers. I repeat, anyone who spends time commenting on blogs, stories, or whatever, is a loser, unless they do so for the sake of irony, like myself
randy pan - 2008-12-18 06:39:24
R.I.P. bill :(
Dr. Benway - 2008-12-31 12:36:47
RIP Mark Twain, H.L. Mencken, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Frank Zappa, Michael O'Donoghue and Bill Hicks. Come back!
sam - 2009-01-16 23:51:05
I really take him seriously about all this stuff. I have a funny feeling he's being serious about it too. I reckon he's being a smart ass but he really believes in all the points behind his so called jokes. Man, he's not a comedian at all, he's a visionary
James - 2009-02-17 16:14:34
Just shut up and Lol! Godless said something about the band Tool using his jokes...In the beginning of Drugs by Tool you hear bill say the line about musicians on drugs...very funny. I love the meaning of life one.
Anonymous - 2009-02-19 01:18:47
I'm from Nashville and without question pro-reading. However, Waffle House isn't exactly the place--shit, you ordered off a picture menu.
jane - 2009-03-16 15:08:27
How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy. Don't you think? Anybody think that? Just once, to hear a positive LSD story. "Today, a young man on acid, realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves... here's Tom with the weather." -from "Relentless"
birdman - 2009-03-27 18:28:18
Nope it's the same story, man takes LSD, thinks he can fly, and jumps off a building. What a tradgedy. What an idiot. If he thought he could fly why didn't he take off from the ground first. You don't see ducks catching elevators to fly south for the winter. He's an idiot, he's dead, GOOD! I'm one spot up in traffic in the morning
Facie - 2009-05-02 14:31:32
"The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride...” we kill those people. "shut him up, we have a lot invested in this ride, shut him up. look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account and my family, this has to be real" we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because... it's just a ride, and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort. No worry. No job. No savings and money. Just a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy bigger guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, into a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defense and bullshit each year and, instead, spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would do many times over - not one human being excluded - and we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever. In peace". This is not really a joke. this is gospel. this is real. we can all be cynical and funny and attack each other over the internet and try to have the last word. thats all good. thats great actually. it is healthy and hilarious and fights the man, fills the boredom. but sometimes you really have just listen and absorb. dont break it down too much or you can end up destroying it. i agree. some times a door is just a door sometimes funny is just funny. but sometimes.... when its not. it will hit you and, if it is meant to, enlighten, may enrage, always endure. and it is up to you to be the bearer of the truth, the silent teacher, the secret and humble saviour. Keep the frequency tuned right and when the time comes....turn out the lights!
Josh - 2009-07-14 03:11:10
I hope I meet David some day so I can fuck him up... Stupid Bitch!
Dave - 2009-11-06 07:22:33
This guy is an imbecile, Any idiot can make the comments he has, its things like this that are a waste of bandwidth. Does he think he looks 'cool' in that pic? What a fu**ing prick.
Kevin - 2007-11-15 13:01:28
Great list! The joke about burning cds should have the second part paraphrasing "Cause all of those musicians who enhanced your lives throughout the yers.... real fucking high on drugs" imho